Goodbye to You

How is it that even when someone breaks your heart and is horrible, you still love them, still want to forgive them, still just want them to hold you and tell you it is going to be okay?  There is no logic to it.  I ended this I know. This blog is more for me than anything but I do not understand. Why I still want someone who didn't love me.  Someone who just used me.  I don't understand why  I hurt so much, and still want you.

To you:

From the beginning I knew this wouldn't last, but I wanted it too.  See I always believed the best of you.  I always wanted better for you.  I always thought higher of you, than you thought of yourself and you are.  See in truth, the person I loved doesn't exist.  I see that now.  See the person I loved was a great dad to his kids, was hurt by those he loved, was amazing and sweet, humble, and I hoped that one day you would love me as much as you loved her.  But you see I realised that that person is not real.

You are a good dad, that wasn't a lie. But you aren't humble, your hurt you caused, you cause hurt to those you love, you appear sweet but it is a facade.  See you want people to pity you so that you can use them for what you want.  I fell for that.  Stupid me.  Stupid me for believing you could be better and that I could somehow fix things.  But see I can't fix any of it, because you caused all of the problems.

But this I need to say.

You will never understand what love is.  Because you honestly don't know how to feel it.  You see things and use things because you are selfish, and I hope that it does not rub off on your kids.  You have no understanding of what it means to care and take care of others.  You can not grow up and be an adult because you never got passed yourself. I hope that you do not ruin what you do have.  And I hope that maybe one day your realise what you lost and what you will never have.  And for what you do have, don't mess it up.  Cause if they see the way you really are, I don't know if they will be able to still love you. 

Only God knows why I still love you.  But you know what, I won't eventually.  And eventually, I will get a relationship I deserve.  Someone who loves me as much as I love them.  Someone who cares and shares.  See I am not losing anything.  Cause I have something to look forward too.  You have nothing except you and your selfish life.

How do you stand there and watch someone you love be repeatedly hurt?  and watch them not do anything to stop it? and them ask you to not do anything?  I feel helpless....I don't know what to do....

I don't want to make it worse.  I can't make it better.  But I don't know how to stand here and watch him hurt.  It's killing me.....

and since he cannot read this and neither can she:

I wish you would stop.  you fucked up and lost him.  Stop trying to hurt him, stop taking his kids away, he is a hell of a better parent than you will ever be.  You are lucky that he won't take them from you.  He supports them.  you say you are "trying to be an adult" well you are acting more like a child! You don't realize that you are hurting not only him but your kids!  You are a selfish idiot.  I don't hate you but I seriously don't like you very much right now.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you  can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

-Marilyn Monroe-